This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
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I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
this is uni
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.