I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
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І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!