Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
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I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]