“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
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me after drinking all the wine:
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.