Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
You Might Also Like
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
This anagram machine is out of order.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
asking santa clause for nudes
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake