can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
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If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.