I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]