I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
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Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.