[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
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[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
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ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin