You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
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*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Seems legit
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license