My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
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HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
The news
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.