Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
You Might Also Like
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori