People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
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Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name