Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
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Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
✌🏽
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.