my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
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I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.