Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
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I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
#growingpains
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.