A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
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When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.