“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Is this you?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
the council will decide your fate
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.