I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
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[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
checking out some reviews of my local library
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Hello Twits.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper