if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
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Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed