Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
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Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Weirdos gonna weird.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?