You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”