COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
You Might Also Like
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Social distancing in Australia:
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”