Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
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my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
The sacred texts.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.