Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
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*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
consequences, the bane of my existence
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
i have one speed and it’s mosey
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool