Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
You Might Also Like
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
me irl
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”