I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
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Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.