cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
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Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
is frankincense just very honest incense?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.