The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER