Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
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I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu