Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
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Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are