People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Great acting.. 😂
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that