Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”