I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
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[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”