Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
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Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I hope this email finds you in a well
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?