I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
You Might Also Like
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.