*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
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My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body