After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
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My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.