After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!