Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
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Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
barbara was highly relatable
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated