First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?