If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs