“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*