Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
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Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.