I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
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person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Don’t touch that.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
uncle dave has been through hell