Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
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Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it