My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
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I beg your pardon?
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I only treason on days ending in y
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.