I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
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cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
felt cute might bury dad later idk
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.