Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
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crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Birds & Planes.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.