Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
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I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.